Harry Potter and the Yellow Hat
by When-turtles-strike-back
Summary: The yellow hat is the most evil entity in the entire magic world and Harry Potter who ironically released it must put a stop to its random evilness.chapter 17. the end is now.or is it?
1. Dudley's Secret

Harry Potter and the Yellow Hat Chapter One- Dudley's Secret Start Here- Harry Potter was incredibly odd teenage boy. He always had a habit of attracting Evil stuff. He's a evil- magnet. One summer, on a summer like any other. Something bad happened and for once Harry wasn't in the middle of it.  
  
Dudley Dursley was a very fat whale pig boy, with bad gas. He had lots of "friends" and he was very "popular". Yah right everybody hated him they just didn't what to get on the wrong end of his fist. they also didn't like to get down wind of him either, but we can't all get what we like can we. It wasn't so much that he was fat and stinky but that he was obnoxious and spoiled. The big tub of lard got everything. Maybe that's why he turned out the way he is. I don't mean fat and mean it's that other thing. You know the secret thing, well i guess you don't cause its a secret. You'll find out sooner or later though. Sooner rather than later though.  
  
Harry woke up to screaming. He automatically thought, 'what do they think i did now', but what his Aunt Petunia was screaming about had absolutely nothing to do with Harry and had everything to do with Dudley. Harry walked up the hall and went into Dudley's room. What he saw shocked him. WHAT HE SAW SHOCKED HIM!  
  
- fine, you idiot author, I'm SHOCKED!-  
  
-good-  
  
It was his over weight cousin in a platinum blond dolly parton wig and a bright red sequin covered party dress and black stilettos. Ohmigod the horror. If you could see what Harry saw you'd have nightmares for weeks, and to top it all off his aunt was crying in the corner and his uncle Vernon was yelling at Dudley while turning a violent shade of purple. Dudley in return was yelling, 'I don't care what you say, i can't keep it in any longer, i want a sex change. At this Vernon Dursley just turned more purple and yelled louder. Than Dudley yelled at the top of his lungs, 'I want to be in musicals, or maybe sing opera or be a pop diva. As soon as these words left Dudley's flamingo pink lips Uncle Vernon Dursley, king of purple faces and normalcy, fainted with a dead thud, while Petunia, the winner of the nosiest neighbor award for 10 years straight, ran out of the room and shut all the blinds and went back to bed. Harry Potter, evil- magnet wizard extraordinaire, looked at his cross dressing cousin then turned around and as he walked down the hall to the stairs he said in a cool, calm, and debonair tone, 'well, this is going to be an interesting day'.   
  
Sorry for the short chapter i just wanted to finish this chapter plz review this story i wont except flames only well constructed and thought out critisizam, plz excuse the spelling mistakes my comp dosn't have spell check and i'm not the best typer. I have good feeling about this fic and will continue with it no matter what but the more reviews the faster i'll post so review.  
  
Disclaimer: I have no rights at all to the characters to thi story the book and originale theme of harry potter belong to j k rowling. I made no profit in this story. this is only a spoof formed from a very good book plz don't arrest me or sue me for anything i may write and stuff  
  
this goes for the whole book so i won't write it again.  
  
bubby;)(: 


	2. Plot holes and Cellar Dwellers

A/N sorry if I kept you waiting, but it takes time for my brilliant ideas to unfold and also i'm a horrible typer

Harry Potter and the Yellow Hat

* * *

Chapter Two- Plot holes and Cellar Dwellers

* * *

START HERE-Now for reasons unknown This story has skipped ahead two weeks into the future from Chapter One so here's a quick outline of what has happened.  
  
-Dudley moved out of Number Four privet drive. And now lives in his own apartment with his "roommate" Carl.

- He is now working at as a singing drag queen at some gay bar, trying to raise money for his "operation".

-Shortly after finding this out Vernon was admitted to a local loony bin, still there to. -Petunia divorced him, and took him for all he was worth, sold the house and bought a nice little flat in London.

-Where she now is perusing her childhood dream of being a tattoo artist and a waitress and HOOTERS (do they have hooters in Europe).

-Harry is being kind of well treated and even gets proper fitting clothes instead of Dudley's old hand-me-downs, which he's quite thankful for since now most of Dudley's or Dudlina hand-me-downs are women's clothes.

-Harry has now finally joined his friends and the black house and is swept up in the enthusiastic energy of the order.

-------------------------------------------

'This is so boring',  
  
Ginny Weasly whined as she polished a 10 foot 10 statue of Sirius Blacks mother.  
  
'And I will also have nightmares for life'.  
  
She of course was talking about the fact that the statue wasn't wearing anything but three leaves that just barely covered her... "Parts". Ron –her older brother- wasn't paying attention he was busy cleaning the naked statue of Sirius's dad. He was taking great care to clean every inch of the statue thoroughly.  
  
'Ron are you listening to me',  
  
'I'm not doing anything'  
  
Ron yelled in a surprised voice and quickly took his hand off of the statue.  
  
'Are you all right Ron'?  
  
His concerned sister asked him  
  
'Yah I'm fine'  
  
'Are you sure'?  
  
'Why wouldn't I be fine, I'm normal I wasn't fantasizing about hot sweaty wrestlers no sirree, mmmm... wrestlers, wait what no not wrestlers, bad Ron, bad Ron, oh look it's Harry and Hermione my best friends from hogwarts that like me no matter what I fantasize about right'  
  
'Huh Ron, what are you going on about'?  
  
'Nothing, nothing'  
  
'Well okay than'  
  
'Well anyway, Hermione and I have come to share some wonderful news with'  
  
Ginny's ears perked up, trying to telepathically said a message, willing Harry to ask her to marry him.  
  
'Really what is it Harry'  
  
'For reasons unknown and also that the lazy author doesn't want to explain stuff, Sirius is alive and he has just been declared innocent, oh and we have to clean out the cellar'  
  
10 minutes later  
  
'It's really dirty in here, isn't it', Harry inquired.  
  
Sirius quickly replied, 'It's because of the cellar dweller'  
  
Hermione gasped, 'a cellar dweller, but their s'pose to be extinct'.  
  
'No', Ginny stated factly,'they just all moved to bora-bora during the 16th century.' 'Really' Ron said confused 'I didn't know that'.  
  
'Yep, I was because of the Apricot marmalade' Ginny replied  
  
Sirius smiled stupidly 'I like Lemon marmalade'  
  
Everyone stared at him; it was so quiet you could here a cricket chirping in the background.  
  
'Um, sorry, prison made me hallucinate and being trapped behind a veil for a month made me loose my sanity'  
  
They all shrugged and Ron started licking green stuff that was growing on the wall.  
  
'Ron don't lick that', Hermione scolded in a mom like fashion.  
  
'But it makes me feel like jell-o'  
  
'Really', Sirius exclaimed happily, 'I want some then'  
  
Everyone excluding Hermione started licking the unknown green stuff on the wall. Finally after feeling left out Hermione started licking the green stuff to. She agreed, it did make her feel like Jell-o. Almost as good as licking toads.  
  
Suddenly there was a soft mewing sound. They all stopped licking the wall and turned around to see.........  
  
'It's a cellar dweller', Sirius screamed, 'quick hide, and find some marmalade to defend ourselves with'.  
  
They all hid behind a big dusty cauldron except for Harry. Oh that brave Harry. Isn't Harry brave? He's so courageous and manly.  
  
' Its so cute'  
  
Sirius jumped from his hiding place and yelled  
  
'It, is not, cute, it's an evil creature that can do horrible things to you'  
  
Harry stared at his godfather doubting that this cute fluffy thing could do much damage.  
  
'Like what' Sirius thought for a bit than said matter o factily  
  
'It could poke you in the eye'  
  
'How'  
  
'Stop questioning me, now where is that marmalade'  
  
The cellar dweller just sat there staring at them with big cute eyes.  
  
'I don't think he could do much'  
  
Suddenly the Cellar Dwellers eyes turned red and its fur got spiky and a big sharp Horn started to grow from the top of its head. It started bouncing evilly towards Harry.  
  
'Ohmigod it's going to poke me in the eye'  
  
Ginny finally finding some Apricot marmalade shouted a battle cry and shouted.  
  
'Don't worry Harry I've got marmalade'.  
  
'The cellar dweller saw the jar of marmalade and turned normal and stopped bouncing and looked very scared. Than Harry noticed that its fur was pink.  
  
'No don't hurt it, it was angry because I called it a he and it's a she'  
  
'Ohhh, so it's not evil okay than.'  
  
'The cellar dweller disappeared and they cleaned the cellar and then went up stairs. They decided there really was no cellar dweller it really was just a hallucination due to licking the unidentified green stuff. Little did they no tucked away in Harry's purple man purse was the pink cellar dweller sleeping happily.  
  
TBC  
  
Longer chapter this time. Now review me and I'll love you forever and ever and you'll be my very betsest friend. What wrong with Ron, is Sirius insane, what was the green stuff, why was Harry carrying a Murse, where did that jar of Apricot marmalade come from, what dose a cellar dweller look like and why do they bounce. Tune in next time.


	3. of Hogwarts and Chewing Gum

Harry Potter and the Yellow Hat

Chapter Three- of Hogwarts and Chewing Gum

It had been 2 months after the whole cellar dweller incident. Pretty soon our young heroes and heroines, would be off to hogwarts to learn stuff. This chapter begins that morning. With everybody rushing around people are eligible to forget something. Which is exactly what Harry did.

'I forgot my messenger bag'

'Coughmursecough'

'Ron, shut-up'

'Sorry Harry... but its still a Murse'

'No it isn't it's a lime green messenger bag with a pretty pink heart print and blue bows... okay maybe it is a purse, but I like it, it makes me feel pretty and bubblegum likes it.'

'Bubblegum, who's bubblegum?'

'No one so stop being nosy Hermione'

'I was just wondering'

'Well don't wonder, that's being nosy'

'What's that'?

They all turned to look at what Ginny was pointing at. It was a lime green "messenger bag" bouncing towards them.

'BUBBLEGUM, oh bubblegum, I'll never forget you ever again'

They all looked at Harry like he was crazy, but got on the train anyways. Once on the Hogwarts express the searched for an empty compartment. Hermione and Ron were supposed to go to the prefect meeting but they didn't. They had been sitting in silence for the better half of the journey until.

'Harry why are you petting your "messenger bag"?'

'Fine I'll show you, but promise not to tell'

They all agreed, so Harry opened his "messenger bag". What they saw shocked them.

'We're shocked'

'The cellar dweller'

'Isn't she cute, I named her bubblegumÜ'

'Umm, Harry you can't bring that thing to hogwarts, it's evil'

'But I love her'

'It's evil'

'But I love her'

'But its evil'

'But I love her'

'Harry that's not the point'

'But I love her'

'Shut up Harry'

'Bu...'

'Shh'

'Bu'

'Shh'

'Okay'

'That's better, what were we talking about again?'

'Harry's Cellar Dweller'

'Oh right, oh shit lost my train of thought'

And they had a peaceful journey the rest of the way.

-HOGWARTS-

-GREAT HALL-

Ms. Mogonagal stared out at the crowd of students. How she loathed them, with their hormones and complaining. How they think they know everything, and their drugs and Alcohol and their spontaneous raves and wild orgy's. She despised them, and she was also a teeny bit jealous. She wanted to have mad group sex and all night partying.

'Uum, professor, isn't it time to be sorted.'

'Oh, um, yes it is, but first the song'

Just then the sorting hat started its song.

'Once upon a time, before I wrote this rhyme

There were two women and two men

Ravenclaw, Huffelpuff, Gryfindor, and Slytheren

They founded Hogwarts, as most of you know

You'll learn stuff here, until you go.

But there's a different story to tell

A story of something as tacky as hell

The bravest of the four, Sir Gryfindor

Found an enemy, the worst he had ever to face

Now you may think this seems a bit out of place

But I saw all with my own two eyes

Would I ever tell you any lies?

Nothing could stop it nor cat, bat or rat

Nothing could destroy that evil yellow hat

Finally they locked it away

So it could not destroy another day

In the darkest dungeon hidden from sight

Only to reveal itself on blood red nights

Beware the hat it does kill

only a strong heart can escape its will.

Everyone wasn't sure to laugh or to clap or to lock the hat up in a strait jacket but edventullay everyone started to clap and the new students were sorted into there houses and everyone started eating.

After they were all good and fat they were sent to the dormatries and went to sleep. Harry was peacefully sleeping and cuddeling with bubblegum the cellar dweller while she was "playfully' eating his hair and "lovingly" trying to kill our young hero. Unknown to everyone deep in the darkest part of the castel the evil yellow hat was biding its time waiting for some moronic idiot to find the hat and put it on his head and then the hat would be able to unleah its evilness on the world.

Cue evil laugh and dramatic music.

I really wanted to write more but I haven't updated in forever so heres chapter three. Tune in next time.


	4. Bobo the Dancing Billy Goat

Chapter Four- Bobo the dancing Billy goat 

Disclaimer: Your not the brightest crayon in the crayola box

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School had been happening for about 1/2 months and nothing abnormal had happened. What am I talking about it's a magic school of course weird stuffs going to happen. Talking hats, spells, ghosts, crazy bloodthirsty animals got to love that Hagrid, and of course there's psychotic trees with anger management problems. Weird stuff is drawn to hogwarts, but I'm just saying that nothing too unordinary happened yet. So now we have to go zoom in on our favorite golden trio and make some weird stuff happen.

Our main characters were sitting around the fire in their common room doing homework.

'So Harry' Mo asked curiously...

**Wait, how do you not ask a question curiously isn't that why you ask the question because you're curious?**

_Mo' just shut your brainy over thinking mouth I'm the author which means I control everything, because of your stupid question you have ruined my delicate creative process you stupid know it all._

**Sorry I...**

_Stop talking, now say the damn line you artificial brunette _

**How did you?**

_I know all but that's not important you have to ask Harry to the ball... NOW!!!_

'So Harry', Mo asked curiously, do you have a date to the Halloween costume ball?

Harry answered her with a casual 'nope'

Mo' got excited there was a chance Harry would ask her. The year before he had just been a friend, but he had grown quite dashing over the summer. He'd gotten taller and more toned, but unfortunately she wasn't the only one that noticed all the girls (and boys in Ron's case) had noticed that Harry had gotten good looking. 

Just than Darcy Sinclair the new transfer student had come down the stairs from the girls dorm' she started walking towards Harry, Ron, and poor love sick Mo'.

'Hey Harry', the mysterious new girl called,' do you want to go to the costume ball with me?'

Harry replied with a casual 'yup'

_Come on you didn't think I was going to go through an entire story entitled 'Harry Potter and the yellow hat' without a Mary-sue love interest._

Mo' was crushed and ran away.

Darcy looked at Mo' as she ran out the portrait hole.

'What's her deal?'

'Iunno' both the boys answered while not really caring.

'Oh okay than', Darcy went back up stairs to do whatever Mary-sues do.

Mo' was in the library crying. She hated that hot red head Darcy. Just because Darcy had the body of a swim suit model, and a mysterious past that made her irresistible to all guys except a few gay ones. Darcy with her long, fiery red hair, with her perfect high lights and her perfect smile and her disgustingly purrfect personality. Darcy could have any guy in the entire country and she just had to choose Mos'. What was the point of living now that the love of her life was going to the ball with some blue-eyed bitch?

Soon after Mo' finished her mental rant she noticed a weird whispering noise. Someone or something was calling her name. She followed the voice out of the library and into a dark corridor she had never been down before. The voice led her to an old stone staircase going down into the deep depths of the castle. Mo', being a highly intelligent girl, knew that it wasn't very logical to follow a bodiless voice, but she was also a very curious young lady and she wanted to know who or what was calling to her so all rational thought was forgotten and she turned into a mindless puppet who's only goal was to find the speaker of the voice.

She slowly crept down the cold stone steps. Her steps echoed against the cavernous walls, as she got deeper and deeper down into the forgotten dungeon of the castle. Than, when Mo' felt as if the steps would never end, she stepped onto the stone floor of a cold room. The only thing in the room was a dancing Billy goat and a yellow hat.

* * *

Dumdumdum!!!!

Finally the Evil hat makes an appearance and what's that goat doing down there, what happens to our favorite book worm Mo' find out next time. Plz review this story. If you do you'll be my bestest best friend in the whole wide world. Okey Dokie well I'll write more soon. I'm going to try to update sooner, but I'm a real slow typer so pleze be patient.

Thank you to my reviewers I give to all of you a purple and orange cellar dweller.


	5. Comfort Food and Stupid Tshirts

Chapter Five- Comfort food and stupid t-shirt's 

Disclaimer: And i knight thee Sir Spanx

* * *

Mo' went up to the dancing goat and stared at it. The goat just continued doing the can-can. It was a cute goat and it was wearing a tux, and stilettos, it was very odd. Mo' fell entranced by the goat for about five minutes until she moved on to the yellow hat. It was a very cut yellow hat. She was rather fond of it. It was yellow and Mo' liked yellow. She knew it was the evil yellow hat from the sorting hats song, but she thought that it wasn't very nice to judge the hat for it's past indiscretions, so she picked up the hat and ran back up the staircase.

Mo' ran all the way back to the Gryfindor common room and then she ran pass Harry who was reading Dating Girls for dummies, and Ron who was staring at Harry while drooling, then up the stairs to the girls dorm'. She than hid the hat it her trunk.

* * *

Oh oh oh, it's Bobo the dancing goat, he's wearing a suit coat, Bobo the dancing goat, the dancing goat, dancing goat, he likes to do the hustle oh yes he loves the shuffle he eats a lot of truffles he's a dancing goat in a black suit coat, it's Bobo the dancing goat. Oh Bobo the dancing goat, he's good while doing the twist, all the dances he does their to great to list, he's Bobo the dancing goat wearing his black suit coat, oh it's Bobo the daaaancccingg GOOOOAAAAAT!

* * *

Wasn't that fun. Well anyways, Mo' didn't know what to do Harry was going to the dance with perfect butt Darcy and she had found the evil yellow hat, what was a girl to do. She did what any intelligent teenage girl would do in this situation. She plotted her horrifying revenge and she ate tons and tons of chocolate and cookie dough ice cream (there is not a problem on the planet that can not be solved with chocolate and cookie dough ice cream) oh and she also listened to country music, the music of depression. While Mo' was gaining a pound from her comfort food Ginny was having an adventure of her own.

**What I want to be when I grow up**

By Ginny Weasley  
After I graduate from Hogwarts I want to pursue my dream of becoming a Swimsuit model with my own clothing line of stupid T-shirts. It would be known as Stupe-T's. Stupid t-shirts are my passion. I have the biggest t-shirt collection in all of Europe. The reason I want to become a swimsuit model is to get back at my parents who don't let me wear girls bathing suits because there to poor to buy one for me so I have to wear shorts and a t-shirt, and not even a stupid t-shirt just an ordinary one. It's very saddening. That's what I want to be when I grow up.  
**The End**

Ginny stopped writing and rolled up her parchment, it was a good bit of writing she thought. Ginny by the way was wearing a black t-shirt that said in white letters "Mary Poppins was a junkie". She decided that was enough homework a skipped off to somewhere. When suddenly a hell of a lot of gummy bears on stilts attacked her. She was freighted and scared and disturbed. She'd probably need lots and lots of therapy after this, She did what any person would do in this situation, she ran away screaming like a little girl (of course she is a girl so how else was she to scream). She ran so fast she didn't see everyone's favorite ferret man and well they crashed right into each other still screaming like kindergarteners. Draco had been horribly frightened by something and he and Ginny went to find somewhere privet so he could talk to her about and for some reason that's not in the least bit out of character. Here is his story.

_So I was taunting first years like I normally do on Fridays. It's so fun making them cry. Then I got bored so I left and went for a walk out side because it's surprisingly sunny today. It was all normal when I heard a rustling sound like some one was following me. I thought it was pansy trying to catch me by myself and vulnerable so she could take advantage of me. I swear that girl's like a cat in heat, but anyways, I turn around to tell her I really am not attracted to her and I no I don't want to get to know her better, (if you get my meaning), but it wasn't pansy following me it was... a pink cellar dweller and it tried to poke my eye out. Luckily since I was five and I had my first experience with a cellar dweller I always carry a jar of apricot marmalade with me. So I got away, but I'm afraid it will come back and get me when I am not prepared. _

Ginny just stared at him thinking_ God I knew it was a bad idea for Harry to bring that evil pink fur ball to school poor Draco with his fragile sanity is going to be in therapy for life _

Listen Draco Cellar Dwellers are extinct and come from Bora Bora one hasn't been seen in England for about 12 year. You don't think that maybe you've been doing some drugs.

Well maybe just a little bit.

I rest my case.

Uh okay, but be on the look out for one okay it looked like a beach ball with pink fur and had a bow on the top of it's head and it looks cute and innocent at first but than when you least expect it BAM its all teeth and spikes. Oh and it bounced like an evil basketball.

Okay I'll keep my eyes open for it.

Thank you oh and Weasley, if you tell anyone about this conversation I'll kill you, you muggle lover.

Ginny agreed but secretly was thinking _I think tonight Bubblegum might just find her way to the Slytheren end of the dining hall mister Ferret boy _

Life is a highway 

_I want to ride it_

_All nightlong_

_If you're going my way_

_I want to drive it_

_All nightlong_

Ron was happily singing as he walked towards the washroom when suddenly...

**God I use that phrase constantly I need to think of something else. **

...When out of the blue a monkey carrying a dog bone walked passed him from the opposite direction.

'Excuse me good sir', the monkey said politely,' where would I find professor Snape at this hour?

'Ummm, maybe in his office in the dungeon.'

'Much obliged'

And the monkey walked off towards the dungeon.

'Well, that was weird'

Ron shrugged and continued on his merry way towards the washroom.

Snape's Office 

Professor Snape was busy making fun of the first year's potions papers when the Monkey with a dog bone came through his door. He didn't notice it right away.

'Hello Spike', said the monkey in a deep commanding voice.

Snape spun around so startled that he almost wet his robes.

'Iggy, wait if you're here that could only mean...'

'Yes Spike, the thing we most feared has happened'

'But how'

'I don't know, but somehow it's been found'

'Oh no, if it's powers are unleashed, the world is doomed'

'I know you idiot that's why I'm here'

'Only you'

'For now, the moment it was found all the of the sacred guards were called to come here'

'All of them'

'Yes, you idiot, there will be a great gathering at hogwarts'

'Great I'll bring a vegetable platter'

'No, you idiot, it's a sacred meeting the matter is very serious'

'So no vegetable platter than'

'Correct'

'What about refreshments'

'No'

'Beverages'

'No, you retard'

'So I don't bring anything'

'Correct'

'At all'

'Nothing'

'What if someone gets peckish'?

'Okay maybe bring some crisps'

'But, Hattie will eat them all, she's such a porker'

'FINE! Bring all the refreshments you want just stop acting like a five year old going to a class pic-nic, your part of an elite group of sacred guards trying to keep the world safe from the all powerful evil, start acting like it'

'What the ultimate evil'

'Why do I even try communicating with you'

'My mom says one day I'll be handsome'

'It's like talking to a wall or a goldfish'

'I like jell-o, it makes me smile'

'You idiot'

'J-E-L-L-O Jell-o'

'Whatever, just be there at 8 pm'

'Ooh that's not good for me'

'If you don't show at 8 sharp, I won't hesitate to castrate you with a chainsaw'

'Fine, fine don't get all shirty about it'

'thank you, now good day'

'wait...'

'I said good day'

and the turtle with the dog bone known as Iggy (the turtle not the bone) left Snapes (or "spike's"??) office . Snape continued to make fun of first year mistakes.

* * *

And that is the end of this chapter. I'm getting a little less random but don't worry, I actually decided to have a plot so it's going to be less random for maybe another chapter but don't worry after that it will be just as insane as before.

Oh and sorry it took like 4ever I got grounded off the comp' because I didn't finish eating an apple and than school started and I'm starting at the senior high and its bigger with more hallways than my old junior high and I had to get used to it, still ain't but I couldn't let my adoring fans wait any longer.

Bubby

_When turtles strike back how vicious they attack_

ANARCHY 


	6. A nighttime gathering and harrys nightma...

Chapter Six- A nighttime gathering and Harry's dream 

Disclaimer- Adolescent genetically altered martial art tortoises

* * *

The night was dark and clear; all the stars were out on the eve of the full moon. I was odd, because it had already been a full moon for a couple of weeks. It was getting odd. Werewolves were getting quite a workout; it was very odd. Unknown to most people that lived in the Hogwarts castle there was a meeting happening by the lake on the school grounds.

"Where is that retard, he's late."

The giant squid appeared from the lake and spoke in a high girlish voice.

"Cain't we start without im"

"No Hattie, we need all the sacred guard here"

"But spike's so..."

"Yes, he is a idiotic whiney retard momma's boy, but he is part of this group and it's forbidden to have a sacred gathering with out all of the guard present"

"The only reason he got this job was because of his kick ass cheese soufflé, mmmm soufflé, I hope spike brings snacks"

"God Hattie spike was right you are a porker, is that all you think about"

"I cain't lie, yes, yes it is"

While Iggy (the monkey) and Hattie (the fat giant squid) were fighting no one realized that spike (Snape) had arrived. Carrying a humongous pic-nic basket with him. He was also wearing strange bright orange robes with an incredibly horrid shade of puke green for the bottom trim.

"Hi guys, I'm here and I brought a picnic basket"

"Finally, did you know that you are 20 minutes late even the Lycan made it on time and it's a full moon"

We glance quickly towards werewolf Lupin who was currently tearing apart a fluffy white stuffed bunny (It's snuggle bunny)

"But I had to wait for the soufflé to finish"

Hattie's tentacles perked up at the thought of that perfect cheese soufflé.

"I don't care, now that you're here do your job and start the meeting"

"Okay, okay now lets see who's all here"

"We're all here, spike"

"But I have to make sure"

"Whatever"

"Okay so when I call your name please say here"

"Hattie"

"Here"

"Iggy"

"You idiot"

"Pardon"

"HERE"

"Good, tally, bubbles, Shasta"

"here, here, present"

"SHASTA"

"Uhg, hee-er"

"Good shape shifting drain brain girl"

"Remus"

"Grr... crunch... grrrr"

"Umm okay you're here"

"Bobo"

"..."

"Bobo"

"..."

"Bobo, dammit just say here, I'm standing right in front of you so I know you're here, but you have to say you're here so I can check of your name"

Bobo the dancing goat was indeed dancing right in front of Snape but him being a goat could not talk, and Snape being a retard couldn't figure that out. Iggy getting irritated by this stood up and said.

"SPIKE, you retard he's a goat and we're all here and we know that, we have more pressing matters at hand so sit down and shut up"

"But..."

"I DON'T CARE"

"Okay"

So that's basically what happened, they talked about the yellow hat and what to do with it but since no one knew where it was they couldn't do much and Remus was getting antsy and angry that he destroyed snuggle bunny for the seventh time that week so they went bowling.

It was late at night, and except for paranoid teachers the secret gathering, everyone was sleeping peacefully in their beds. Harry, our young hero, was no sleeping peacefully. He was dreaming the strangest dream he'd ever dreamt, and let me tell you Harry Potter is the master of strange dreams.

In a long shadowy hallway sat Harry and bubblegum. The hall had many doors somewhat like the department of mysteries, but that a different story. Harry got up and opened the first door it was the same hallway. In fact all the doors lead to the same hallway except for one. The second to last door on the right hand side led into a pink chamber with many coat racks. As Harry got further into the room he heard a voice.

'Hairr-ee, come here'

'Where are you?'

'Just follow my voice Harry'

Harry did as the voice told him to, and he followed the voice to a sunflower yellow door. He opened the door and inside it was a yellow fedora.

'You're a hat'

'Kind of'

'Wow a talking hat'

'Put he on your head Harry'

'Where's your mouth'

'It doesn't matter, just put me on your head'

'How do you talk if you don't have a mouth'

'It's complicated, but if you put me on your head I show you'

'Ok'

So Harry put the fedora on his head and then something weird happened. He woke up of course, but he was still wearing the yellow hat.

'Thank you Harry Potter', said a voice in his head 'you have set my powers free, now I can do as I planned so many years ago and take over the world and liberate hat's of all kinds'

'What'

'Now if you can excuse me I have a dinner date'

The hat flew off Harry's head and than disappeared'

Harry knew there was only one thing you could do in a situation like this. So he went back to sleep and pretended like it never happened.

* * *

READ THIS

And that was chapter six I actually don't think this is that good of a chapter but I needed to establish that Snape was an idiot and Harry was a little dense when it comes to very evil things. I mean who in there right minds puts on a hat if it's talking to them. I wanted to rewrite this but it still would of sucked bad. Thank you to all my lovely reviewers you make my life full of dancing penguins and pink whales and let me tell you there's nothing better than a pink whale doing the can-can.

Remember to review this chapter because if you don't the pink whales will go away and I'll be sad oh and since my inspiration is on this all time low and my muse isn't helping much.

Arnie J: hey it's not my fault, I'm bursting with insane randomness you just don't ever listen to me because you to busy stuffing dollar bills down the pink whales g string you sick twisted freak.

Oh shut up you moronic midget how can I listen to someone not wearing pants.

Arnie J: Hey someone stole them and I don't have another pair.

Yah yah whatever story of my life...

So anyways if you have any ideas of just stuff you'd like to see in this fic than please feel free to leave them in your reviews.

Oh and by the way snuggle bunny is a character from my other fic that I'm writing with black clothed angel so yah not that important but it's that whole free advertising thing.

Well peace out and don't let the turtles bite you in the ass

When turtles attack there's no looking back

Even if you're on fire and on crack


	7. The attack of flabbermastic

Chapter Seven- The attack on Flabbermastic 

Disclaimer- Once upon a time there was a penguin, and he died. The End

A/n: Starrylibra pointed out that people put the sorting hat on and it's a talking hat so I guess that means all of hogwarts population is idiotic it's really quite simple really.

Shout out to all reveiwers RMSOBlue, Starrylibra,and Becky468

* * *

So the Hat had been released upon this naive world. The costume ball was fast approaching. Moe still didn't have a date, Ron was still sexually "confused", Ginny was still a red head, Malfoy was still a wanker, Harry was still stupid, and Bubblegum was still bouncing, but that's not what this chapter's about.

Voldemort and his cult of wicked bad Asses were discussing topics of importance.

' How do you think I'd look with a Mohawk'?

'Lucious shut the fuck up, you fugly cunt'

'You said a bad word I'm telling'

'If you do I'll castrate you'

'Well your... Duh-uum'

'Ohhh nice come back butt monkey'

'I hate you, you... you...'

'You what'

'CRACK WHOR'

'Would you two please stop it, I have a migraine'

Lucious and Belletrix stopped exchanging insults. The Dark Lord had a migraine and nobody messes with The Dark Lord when he had a migraine. Just than Peter Pettigrew skipped into "The Death Eaters way cool Secret Hide Out".

'Guess what happened to me today'

'You fell into a hole and got molested by a horny chicken'

'How did you know about that'?

'I read your diary'

'Voldie- bear Belletrix read my diary'

'DO NOT, EVER, CALL ME VOLDIE-BEAR'

'Okay mister grumpy pants than I just wont tell you what happened today'

'Peter I have a migraine go amuse your self'

'How'

'I don't know, go jump into a pit of starving chipmunks or something'

'Okay'

Just a normal day at "The Death Eaters Way Cool Secret Hideout'

**CAUTION!! The words ahead may be unsuitable for the faint of heart. If you value a normal mental state do not read any further!**

'Severus I can't keep it in any longer'

'what is it Minerva'

'I know I'm older than you, but I can't deny my urges'

'What urges'

'I think you ass is sexy'

'so do I, but what are you getting at'

'I want you to throw me roughly onto your desk, rip of my clothes with your teeth, and ravish me again and again for five months'

'Oh, okay than'

And the two professors engaged in many sexual acts in many strange and exotic positions. Told you it wasn't for the faint of heart.

* * *

And that is chapter seven, scary huh. Sorry it took like forever but I was having a insanely difficult writers block, In three weeks I had only the first sentence but than I was playing solitaire and listening to Billy Idol and this just came pouring out of me for no reason well bye

When-turtles-strike-back

And contemplating changing pen name to

Insane-Stalker-of-Hot-Dead-Guy

I whore for Reviews (and altoids)


	8. The Confederation of Disgruntled Hatsthe...

Chapter eight- The confederation of disgruntled Hats

Disclaimer: If I was god things would be different, for instance I'd throw away all the Canadians because they must be defective.

* * *

In a dark chamber under the castle something was happening. Around a round stone table sat many different hats. At the head of the table was the yellow hat in all its glory.

"The first meeting of The Confederation of Disgruntled Hats will begin… now"

The yellow hat is surprisingly business like

"I know I am, I did go to Harvard"

Really 

"Well I was worn by someone that went to Harvard"

I see 

"Yah I even got to sit through some classes"

Was this before or after you went Evil 

"Hey you purple haired freak, I ain't evil just 'good challenged'"

_oh, well now that that's cleared up can we continue with the chapter_

"Yup"

Thank you, now as I was saying… 

_The yellow hat was sur… oh am I still in italics…_

The yellow hat was surprisingly business like. He had this aura full of leadershipic energy.

"Leadershipic is not a word"

_yes it is_

"No it isn't, I don't want you using non-words to describe my aura"

Can't you just shut up, I'm the Authoress if I say a non-word is a word then it is a word. No if ands or buts, okay

"I just don't like non-words"

Is this chapter ever going to get finished?

"Hey it's not my fault you deleted everything and had to start over from scratch, and it's not my fault you've got a gold fish memory and have no idea what the original chapter was about"

Yes, yes it is

"How is it my fault"

you made me do it

"Your making stuff up"

Who are they going to believe you or me?

"Me"

How is that?

"Your crazy, no one believes crazy people"

I'm not crazy, I am eccentric

"Same shit different pile"

Hey your not allowed to swearlooks at ratingoh wait yes you are

"And you say you're not crazy"

What that pelican said was wrong

"You are so crazy, your talking to a 'good challenged' yellow hat and your best friends a stick you named Patrick and you think theres gnomes living in your dishwasher"

Well of course there are, how else to the dirty dishes get clean.

"It's a dishwasher"

And it has dishwasher gnomes

"Your impossible"

But that's what you love about me

"Can I say my line now"

Yah whatever

"Okay"

"We have to discuss my plans for world domination"

A pink Easter bonnet spoke up

"Why do you want to take over the world"?

"Why do I want to take over the world, why do I want to take over the world"?

"Why are you repeating yourself"?

"Don't you want to be liberated, Shouldn't the hats of the world be freed"

"From what"

"From ignorant humans that don't wash their hair or forget to put you on the hat rack and leave you on the floor and let their St. Bernard slobber all over your delicate yellow fabric as they use you for a chew toy"

"Umm, okay than"

"Yah that's right"

"I think you have issues"

"I DO NOT HAVE ISSUES"

"And maybe rage problems

"I DON'T HAVE RAGE PROBLEMS YOU BONEHEAD BONNET"

"Whatever"

* * *

Wow not much happened in this chappi but owell it was funny like two homosexual monkeys doing the nasty… um yes I am completely sane and do not and I repeat do not have trashy monkey thoughts full of yummy butter and leather thongs. Uh oh get out the drool bucket.

Okay that was possessed.

Sorry I took so damn long but the reason was explained in this chapter

Ciao

Bobo the dancing goat,

Wearing a black suit coat

He can do the can can, and the fox trot to

There's no dance he cannot do

He could even do you


	9. A chapter that has nothing to do with ha...

Chapter nine- A chapter that has nothing to do with hats

Disclaimer: That bug, it taunts me with it's coldness, I keep killing it, but it always comes back

Ginny Weasley was doing the funky chicken in the deserted commen room. She put her hands in the air and danced like she didn't care. It was all merry and joyeous (did i spell that right), when suddenly she had a sudden erdge to go create mayhem. So she ran out of the commen room and straight into-- Draco"Ferrot Boy"Malfoy.

"Wow, Ferrot Boy this seems to be happening a lot latly"

"I think the autheress has decided that whenever we meet it should be associated with a painful loss of wind and pain to the head area"

"Must be"

"now i have to be snide and mock your families lack of wealth, HaHa you're poor"

"And i have to show how witty and cleaver i am by having a great come back, well at least i'm not stupid"

"Now that i have no comeback i say something stupid and non relevent, You eat mud"

"Whatever little rodent person i have to create mayhem'

Ginny ran away from stupid crazy Malfoy to create Mayhem leaving Draco standing alone in front of the portrait of the fat lady in the pink dress.

_God that portrait needs a better name i mean it's so not politically correct to call it portrait of The fat lady in the pink dress. She must have so many complexes. Oh my she probably is so unconfident and has like eating disorders, she probably need therapy, what if she was teased in school... That's so mean, i think a painting should not be judged by their flab instead of calling her "the fat lady" for the rest of this fic she will be called Helga._

Ginny ran away from stupid crazy Malfoy to create Mayhem leaving Draco standing alone in front of the portrait of Helga.

_Oh yes Helga is a much better name._

"Why am i in this part of the castle the slytherin dorms are like way down in the dungeons"

and he left and went back to the slytherin part of the castle. Meanwhile Ginny was createing Mayhem.

"I love Mayhem"

this mayhem she caused was something that her older brother's would be proud of. She had bewitched all of the toilets in the prefect bathrooms so that when someone flushed them they would well instead of flushing the regular way they would... flush the other way, it was all very messy.

"I love mayhem"

And she continued on her merry way, and then she spotted everyone's least liked teacher Professor Snape and she saw another opertunity to create more mayhem.

---

Dinner at hogwarts was a most excellent edvent. All the food was prepared to perfection. It all looked so very grand, like a dog peeing on a fire hydrent, and since i realize that this chapter is going no where i'll throw in a random OC to stir things up.

Draco Malfoy looked at the radient buety in front of him. Her eyes were like shooting stars reflecting off of a blue ocean, her hair was the color of a perfect sunset, her body was that of aphrodite, it was all long winded and shit like that. Her name was Mary Kelley and has just transfered here from somewhere unimportant. She was chatting up a storm when suddenly Ginny apeared and punched Mary in the back of the head.

'Die you Mary Sue freak, your not s'pose to be here, this story already gots a mary sue even if she was only mentioned once, it's a very complex story.'

'why do you care so much'

'I don't know, i saw you talking...

'I wasn't talking, i was chatting'

'fine, i saw you chatting with ferret boy and got a sudden rush of jelousy'

Malfoy looked at ginny and suddenly saw her in a new light, she was pretty good looking for someone a year younger than him, she had flaming red hair, pretty turqouis eyes, and a really, REALLY nice figure, and her personality wasn't that bad either.

'Ginny i don't know how to tell you this but i feel the same way'

'What, your also jelouse that Miss Mary Sue two has perfect cheek bones and is incredibly rich'

'No i feel the same way about you'

'What are you talking about'

'I desire you, just like you desire me'

'Hold the phone, you "desire" me'

'yes, don't you desire me to'

'no'

'oh'

and Malfoy fled from the great hall with the speed of superman and spent the rest of the evening in the boys washroom.

The End....

of this chapter.

god this chapter sucked ass, but don't worry as soon as my muse finishes his little strike thingy i'll be at the top of my game again.


	10. Desire

Chapter Ten - Desire

Disclaimer: Horriffic, blood spattering voilence is okay as long as theres no notty words, that's what this war is about (I think Kyles mom is just a hoot)

Beware this chapter is very scary!

* * *

The secret was out. Draco Malfoy, son of Lucy Malfoy, Desired a Weasley. Miss Ginny Weasley had no idea where his sudden desire for her came. She had done nothing to feed his desire for her, but some how he had come to desire her (hey kids the first one to tell me how many desires were in this chapter gets to be a cameo in the story). Why did he desire her so. It must be so painful for him to desire someone he can never have. Ginny almost felt sorry for the little wanker. 

His desire for her was unexpected. The desire came without warning. One minute she was yelling and the next she was a target for his desire. Oh horible desire, how the desire taunted him. It wasn't fair that he desire her while she held desire for another. It was almost the kind of desire that a muggle poet would write about. His desire for her was like a bees desire for honey. He was the bee and she was the honey. The honey hadn't earned the bees desire, but the bee desires it anyways. The honeys sweetness that pushes the bees desire for it to hights greater than ever imagined for desire. No longer was it desire, but soon a desire passed on to maddness. A desire for madness, and because the bees desire was so great and desire went unreturned the desire of the bees for the honey was not only desire but desires oppiset desires enemy filled the bees desire and soon the desire was no more and left only was, instead of loving desire, maddness. The type of maddness that spawns from desire and stalker like aggressions.

Draco Malfoy knew what he had to do. He had to get his desire to be her desire. If desire turned to maddness and that hate to desire than surely she would desire he like he had desire for she. Her loathing would become her desire and his maddness would become his and soon their desire for the other would turn to great masses of devotions desire and the desire would be desire and desires might subside to normlecy. He knew what he had to do.

He saw her sleeping and his desires became to great to hold in. he had to do it or the desire would surly condemn him. If he erased the thing that fueled his desire than possibly his desire would dissapate, wouldn't it. Or maybe, quite possibly, would the desire inside him grow untill he was consumed by the desire to be desired by the thing he desired, would he ever be desired in return. A question, like any other could be answered simply by a action or a nonaction. Was he insain, had desire driven him insain. If one is insain do they ask themselves if their insain. Or was it just the desire. If you know your desire is driving you insain does it make you anyless insain, or was he just insain with desire. Desire spelt backwards was still desire only hidden by nonsensical letters. He needed to rid himself of the desire.

He knew what he had to do.

Virginia Weasley was asleep. Desire went unknown to her. She didn't desire the enemy of their family. She knew well enough about desire. Desire, like jelousy or lust, could drive a person to insanity. Many confused desire with lust, but, although very simalur, they were two whole different emotions. Both lust and desire were all cosuming, but lust wouldn't, generly, take away you free will. No, it was desire that drove a lusting person to stalker like aggressions. They naturally worked together as a team, desire and lust. Lust was like love only fading, and it usually went away over time, but desire would stay with a person till their dieing day, desire like love or lust was a powerful emotion but unlike love or lust it would stay with one. Desire would stay and grow, even after the object of your desire was gone the desire would still stay and it would still consume the vessel of desire till their was nothing but insain desireing left. Desire was a tricky thing. A smart person would stay away from desire at all costs. She almost felt sorry for him.

* * *

Wow all those desires have turned by brain to mush and I'm sorry to those who don't think this is even a little funny, but seriously for those who have the same mindset as me wasn't this chapter funny. I just loved writing it oh and the desire count down includes any word with desire in it. 

And for those of you who found this chapter made no sense what so ever hey it's okay not everyone can make sense of things that don't make sense to anyone but me who doesn't makesense except for those who don't make sense but really do make a lot of sense Dose that make sense.

Well i have to go practice my british accent, we're acting out monty pythonscenesin drama on monday and i get to be King Aurther

Plese review this please.


	11. What the hell happened last chapter

Chapter Twelve- What the Hell Happened in the Last Chapter

A/N: What the hell happened last chapter, I think this story just changed genres or something.

Disclaimer: Eat cheese, its good for you

* * *

The events of last chapter do not matter, in fact they probably only exsisted in the mind of Draco Malfoy who was going through a tough phase, but seriously, this fiction is not about Malfoy jr and his "Desire" for Ginny Weasley, we now return to the oringinal perpose of the story. The Evil Yellow Hat.

We are developing a plot now.

It was finally here the night of the big helloween ball arrived, baring gifts no less. The night every lusty teenage girl waited for had arrived, a non chaperoned dance. They could wear costumes to, but only if they wanted to, as costumes are a silly non traditional tradition and has no real attactchment to the actual tradition of hollows eve (I think that's it, my brains malfuntioning today).

All the students were gathered in the decorated great hall, a lot of people were dressed up, but not everyone. They of course weren't dancing as that's what most people do at a dance, not dancing I mean.

And in the confusion of all this non-dancing no one saw the mysterious creatures in horrible teenager desguises. I mean imagine this, Snape in a "Teenager Desguise" He was wearing a backwards cap and baggy clothes. You know that magic cult way back when that were supposed to make sure the hat wasn't released, well the members of that were all positioned throughout the hall in their various teenager desguises, including the giant squid and The talking appliance naziryth.

All was going okay until all the lights came on and a person in a yellow fedora was standing in the middle of the currently unoccupied dance floor. It was the all evil yellow hat and some unidentified not important person.

Stuff happened and everyone died the end.

Okay so there was much more junk inbetween the discovery of the yellow hat and the inileation of everyone, so lets go kick some plot developing ass.

Harry Potter dressed as a pirate approached the U.N.I.P.

'It's the yellow hat, from my scary dream'

The magic cult emerged and took of their deguises.

Some random lusty teenage female got upset and flustered.

'Hey this ball was supposed to be non chaperoned'

That's when the evil yellow hat spoke in a creepy loud voice that echoed through out the entire castle.

'Shut up, you nob, We're in the middle of plot development'

'Than what have the last nine chapters been about'

'Absolutly nothing'

'I see'

'Enough of your heinous questioning, I am the Good Challenged YELLOW Hat and I have been released from my dormant state of powerlessness that that damn Godric put me in, I have newly recreated the Confederation of Disgruntled Hats, and together with my all mighty knowledge and Power plan to over throw the human reign on this planet and free hats every where and purify the world purging it of all un worthy'

'Oh my Gosh, that hat is talking'

'Haven't any of you been listening to the words I am saying to you'

'Ohmigod, the hat is yellow'

'For merlins hats sake, your all a bunch of retarded idiots'

'I think yellow is sexy'

'Get away from me you whorish strumpet'

'The hat insulted me'

'Now I know what Voldemorts Shoulder angel feels like'

'So what do you want to do after the dance Betty'

'I'm like a wall, I tell them I'm going to overthrow humanity and I might as well be doing jumping jacks while singing the date rape song'

'I don't know, I was planning to hook-up with josh'

'No body like me

everybody hates me

I guess I'll go eat some worms'

'The hat plans to over thow the government, we're all going to die'

'Finally, It took you long enough'

Snape appeared.

'I will stop you'

'Oh really, It took Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Revina Ravenclaw, Salazar Slytherin, The sacred guard, and about a million dishwasher gnomes to put me in a dormant state, should I be afraid of one potions teacher that likes wearing womens underwear in his spare time'

'How do you know that'

'You have a pink easter bonnet that really wishes you'd wash your hair'

The yellow hat vaporizes snape

'Now you hogwarts attending idiots I will be on my merry way, cioa'

'Hey, Snapes been vaporized'

'Yay, Lets celebrate'

and the hogwarts students got jiggy with it.

* * *

new chapter soon to come, but not until I know someones reading this, (of coure I'll probably grow impatient and upload anyway) oh and there was 82 desires oh yes thats right black clothed angel you missed one, did you remember to count the tital.

from Me.

sorri it took so long


	12. The apocolypse and all that Jazz

Chapter Twelve: The apocalypse and all that Jazz

Disclaimer: Time passes slowly when you are suicidal.

**I NAME THEE PIGEON PIG!**

* * *

The apocalypse was apon them, the yellow hat was preparing to launch his army. The first wave was about to begin. Amid all the chaos was…

BOBO The dancing goat!

Yes, that is correct the mysterious goat that was in the dungeon room with the hat. He wasn't very important but I thought it was worth mentioning, wouldn't you lovely people agree.

Albus Dumbledore, wizard extrodinare was prepping the good guys for the upcoming battle, with, what else, an inspirational speech…

"So that's when I finally found out it wasn't a fuzzy limabean, but really a fire breathing fizz whizz egg, well let me tell you, when it mother dicovered that I had almost ate her un born baby she was pissed, and that's the story about how my nose got so messed up'

All the good guys were gathered in Dumbledores office awaiting intruction, they were sure whatever he told them must be important, everything he said held some importance and they were sure that this story was surly the carrier of some secret meaning that would help them in the battle ahead, and was not just the babbilings of a senile old man. Remus Lupin, who wasn't really getting the point of the story stood up from the purple foot stool he had been crouching on.

'Sir, with all do respect what dose all this mean'

Dumbledore looked at Lupin with an shocked and appalled look.

'It mean, that ever since, I have been chroniclly afraid of limabeans, and anything that makes a fizzing sound, now would you like to hear about the time I found a earwax flavored flavored bean… wow I have a lot of bean stories'

This was getting them nowhere so they all just left to sort themselves out, except for Lupin, who was crouching on his purple foot stool with wide attentive eyes trying to grasp the secret meaning behind all this maddness.

Dumbledore didn't notice.

'My dog lima likes to roam, what day lima left her home,

She came back all nice and clean, oh where oh where has lima been

Lima been

Lima been

Where o where has lima been'

* * *

And that's chapter 12 I think there will be like three more chapter because I like 15 and I would of eneded it with just one more chapter but that would be thirteen and thirteen is supossedly unlucky…

Sorry for the shortness but oh well you got to learn the bean song it just goes on like you just replace lima with other beans like, Pinto bean, Kidney been, cocoa bean, jelly bean, coffee bean, pork n bean and ect…

Next chapter soon to come.


	13. Oh god it hurtsMommy!

**Chapter Thirteen- Oh God, It Hurts… Mommy!**

**Disclaimer: "Who gave you cooties on the playground"**

* * *

****

'So the hats will most likely come from the west'

wow he was so cool, leading an army of wizards and witches to defend the defencless. It was like he was a super hero.

'why do you think they'll come from the west, I mean what if they come from the east'

That stuping know it all Granger, with her qeustions, god how much he hated her, well maybe not hate but really really dislike. Sirius was so looking forward to finally be given something that was important, not all those stupid gofer missions he had been sent on before. He had been upgraded from coffee boy to warlord in charge of… war lording. Maybe it was because they had finally seen how smart and brave he was and forgot how crazy isolation from everything had made him, but all his dreams were going to fade if the stupid smart girl kept questioning his every move, he had to find some way of shuting her up, his future was on line here.

'They're coming from the west because the sun sets in the west(although I'm not sure it dose)'

'what does that have to do with anything'

'It will be more dramatic, their hats, and hats are all for the dramatics, have you ever seen fiddler on the roof'

'Yes, but what does that have to do with hats'

'You ask a lot of questions'

'My mother always told me that the best way to get answers is to ask questions'

'Yah well my mother always told me that I was a stupid muggle loving git'

'ummm, okay?'

'God I just realized how much I loved her, I mean she was mean and cruel and full of bigitry and hate and uncaring and… mean, but without her massive critism and name calling and abuse I would of never got to where I am now… hey, look cheese spray'

and Sirius Black, Wizard extrodinare, ran of to eat cheese and the rest just stood there trying to make sense of it, but as most of you know there is no point in trying to make sense in the things that Sirius Black says, and that he has an invisible friend called Relph (yes Relph).

Hermione Granger took up Sirius's forgotten job.

'We have a disavantage, because we don't know what way their coming from so we will set up watch posts at all the possible entrances, there is a chance that they will use the hidden tunnles, so well need someone gaurding those, and remember not to panic cause hats smell fear'

Meanwhile our forgotten Mary Sue Darcy Whatser-name was in an empty corridore talking to her self.

'No father, please don't'

It was weird because she as saying this to the was

'I know they hurt you, but please their my friends'

Even weirder is that the wall answered back

'If they knew what you were they'd hate you and lock you in the cellar of pigs'

'No they wouldn't , their my friends'

'Shut up you stupid girl, you get all this idiotic compassion from your mothers side it's really annoying'

'Don't talk about my mother like that'

'God how I wish I didn't have to but it is the truth, she was really annoying'

'Father, I hate you leave me alone'

And Miss Mary-Sue walked away in her Mary-Sueish Way.

'Teenagers'

Meanwhile outside that hats started coming and there was a big battle and everyone died.

The End.

* * *

Oh yah like I was going to end it like that, plus it's bad luck to end on chapter thirteen. 


	14. whats a cow with no legs GROUND BEEF!

**Chapter Fourteen- What do you call a cow without legs… GROUND BEEF!**

**Disclaimer:Go out and buy yourself a nice dress and find some man, find some woman and experience a moment, because really all we have is a series of moments.**

* * *

****

I have no idea as to what to write for this chapter, oh my I think I'll just wing it. In a far away kingdom a great source of something interesting, see the thing that everyone is asking themselves is why does this fic seem to be pointless and making no sense, you see that is all because it is. There is no point in denying the facts it doesn't make any sense or have any understandable time line it just jumps from thing to thing but oh who cares because it's fabulous.

Now in a far away kingdom, two blocks away from where that guy did that thing and then the weird thing came and they fought over something and it all ended horribly bloody, something was coming. Oh I don't know what was coming, but it was defintally something. Now there is only one way to describe the way in which it was coming, now has anyone ever watched that night time drama Lost about a bunch of survivors of a plane crash trying to survive on a island, well on that show there is some sort of monster that we never get to see but when it shows up all we see is the trees moving and loud noises and crap like that, that's what this thing was like.

Heres where we take sometime to build some suspense

Building

Suspense

Suspense

More

Suspense

Even

More

Suspense

And for

A little

Change

Of pace

A little

Less

Suspense

But more

Anticipation

Okay now that we're all sitting on the edges of our seats, the thing, whatever it is, finally reached the place it was going, and it was…………………

Bubblegum the Cellar Dweller.

The magical place was Bora Bora, where as not everyone knows, all the cellar dwellars emmigrated to bora bora from their previous locations before emmigrating to bora bora, what is the difference between immagrating and emmigrating isn't it like leaving and arriving like and some point as your crossing the ocean or what ever you stop emmigrating and start immagrtating, like you are now not leaving England and are now arriving to America or Canada or North America or Brazil or something. Well anyways, Bubblegum was on a quest to help her strange glassy eyed caregiver. She was on a mission to find Cellar Dweller city, she had been looking for it for days, eversince the hat had been released, but she hadn't been able to find it, it turns out she had turned left instead of right and now that the direction difficulty's were sorted out, she had finally found it, in the vast areas of bora bora dwelled the dwellings of the cellar dwellers, as you might guess they all dwelled in cellars, hence the name Cellar Dwellers.

Yes she had found the mighty Cellar Dwellar strong hold, now all she had to do was convince them, that her idea was a good one.

* * *

Hey one or so more chapters to go we might finish this thing Yippie! 


	15. One day in the middle of the night

**Chapter Fifteen- One Day in the Middle of the night, Two dead boys got up to fight…**

**Disclaimer: Nooo…Mommy say's not to…**

* * *

****

Back at the castle the good guys were prepared for battle, thanks to the lovley leadship and stratedgy skills of Hermione Granger, now who calls it this mans army. Sirius was happily playing chase the rubber ball and Harry was despretly worried about death.

'Do you think we will die Hermione'

'Most likely, but if we do it will be doing what is right and helping those in need'

'Oh poo'

'Harry, I'm shocked, what brought this sudden cowardlyness'

'Ummm, I think it's always been there'

'But you've faced death countless times'

'Yah about that, umm… I'm not sure what this will do for my reputation but…'

'But what'

'…'

'Harry'

'It was my stunt double okay, there are you happy, youv'e made me confess, now you know that your hero after all these years is just a cowardly schoolboy that people put way to much faith in'

'Harry a stunt double, but I mean what about when you got your scar?'

'I got it when I when I was five months old, my father and Sirius were playing throw Harry in the air and they got distracted when a squirrel started taunting Sirius and they forgot to catch me and I fell on my head'

'Oh Harry I don… Hey what about when you defeated Voldemort the night your parents died'

'Umm, about that, they're not dead, they were vacationing in bora bora and they weren't allowed back into england because they lost there passports or something weird like that, they still write me from time to time, I think they joined this turkish bluegrass band, they sent me a demo of one of there songs it's

_Livin on love and free range chicken_

_Toughin it out through thin and thicken_(1)

Or something like that'

'But what about Voldemort'

'He put the spell on a reflection of me in the mirror and in rebounded back to him, he's really quite stupid for the most evil wizard in the world'

'You lied to everyone all these years'

'You people built this fantasy about me, how I was some tragic hero, or some crap like that, I was just trying to make it through puberty, wait I'm still waiting for puberty… Oh did I say that out loud, shit I did, Well at least I didn't tell her about my pink honey bunny, oh fuck'

'I hate you Harry Potter, you're a stupid, borderline retarded, lieing little… little… little… arrg, Thingy'

'Gasp'

* * *

I know I said it was going to end but I just havn't figured out how to end it, I'm really thinking of letting the hat conquer, wouldn't it be cool to have a hat dictator that painted everything yellow and made it against the law to have unclean heads.

Oh god when will the maddness end

I really hope it never will

But hey.

A song that I think I heard on 8 simple rules

TBC


	16. My pixi stix induced nightterror

Chapter Seventeen- My pixi stix induced nightmare

A/N: the inspireation for this chapter came from a rather odd and quite disturbing, very horrifying nightmare I had two nights ago. Jelapeno(Gell-ap-Pen-Oh) may look like Jalapeno (Hal-e-peen-yo) but it is not.

Qoute: Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we change it every six months. Oscar Wilde

* * *

**The attack of the Jelapeno Monster**

'It's starting'

'what is'

'the war of course'

'oh that… HOLY HELL, the wars starting, WE"RE UNDER ATTACK'

the random person runs off screaming like a small child, infact, he might have been a small child.

'Well it's now or never'

Hermione Granger looked around the blockade, they had baracaded themselves inside the castle, they were all anticipating a hard battle.

'Why is she the leader?'

Draco Malfoy pointed at Hermione with malice?

Why, you may wonder, was the previous sentence directed as a questions that is because I am not sure what the word malice means, but I like the sound of it and I think whatever Draco should feel for Moe it should be Malice, I love how it just rolls off the tongue when said outloud.

'I'm the leader because I'm the least stupidest'

Hermione pointed at herself with her pointer finger and smiled an hermione like smile.

'But you don't know how to play hoolahoop'

'oh, and I supose you do, Mr Hoolahoop playing man'

'Yes, I do know how to play hoolahoop and that makes me far more superior'

Remus Lupin looked at the two young people argueing over hoolahoop, it was a shame the way todays youth behaved, andthis was the future, merlin help us all.

'Shut up, it doesn't matter who is the better hoolahooper, we're at war here, besides everyone knows that I'm the hoolahoop champion'

'Say's you'

Suddenly a random person ran up to them with fright in their eyes.

'Help me, there is fright stuck in my eyes'

'How did it get there'

'The… The… The…'

'Spit it out, we don't have all decade'

'The Jelapeno'

'OMIGOD, the JELAPENO'

'yes the jelapeno'

'The JELAPENO'

'Yes The jelapeno'

'the Jelapeno'

'yes the Jel… this is getting very repetative'

'I concur'

'All rightie then, I'll just be over here'

'yes, yes you will'

'uhhuh'

and the random person backs away slowly, when suddenly he decides to chop himself up with a bigass knife. Everyone is staring at him, wondering what the hell he's thinking not even sterilizing the knife or anything, when THE JELAPENO appears.

'Ahhh the Jelapeno'

The Jelapeno is the second most deadly creature in the world, beaten only by the cellar dwellar, it is, quite basically, a purple painted clown in a pink bunny costume, but it has mental choppy up powers, it makes people chop themselves up. They were all going to die.

'Oh no we're all going to die'

Hey Me as the narrator already took the liberty of stating that well known fact.

'sorry'

for you insolence I will have to kill you and dissgard your outer skin into a drain pipe.

'no don't kill me, I'm to stupid to die'

your right there.

All was thought hopeless untill with a flash of brilliant chartrusse light an army of multicolored puff balls appeared and killed the jelapeno, thecellar dwellars, led by bubblegum, had arrived to protect cellar dwellar messiah Harry "No I'm not a looser" Potter. The Cellar Dwellers stormed the Jelapeno and it looked like a cotton candy orgy.

The Jelapeno was soon killed dead like a man that was shot in the heart but still alive but than he ran off a cliff and broke his back and was paralyzed from the waist down then he was so depressed that he put rat poisen in his afternoon jello and died of strictly natural causes.

* * *

Sorry it has been so very long since my last review, well bye untill next time.

WTSB


	17. The End is Nigh!

Chapter Seventeen- The end is near but might not quite be here… yet

So back in 05' I wrote this ending chapter it kind of sucked and was really anti climatic and shit. It sucked big ass hats. Sorry about that for any one who cares, I sort of just wanted it to be over, but now I feel it is time to have a proper ending and if anyone ends up reading this (probably no one will but just in case) than I hope you like it, I'm mostly just doing this cause it really bugged me about the shitty ending.

Disclaimer Qoute: Great power comes with great responsibility… and hot chicks.

It had been three days. Three days of fighting for their lives, fighting for the sake of the free world. The yound and old standing united in a field of battle, waiting to be slaughtered by the onslaught of evil. They were tired, hungry, and boy were they crabby.

"This is madness I tell you MADDNESS!"

"shut up Crazy Joe", shouted a young girl with bushy brunette hair.

This girl was Hermione Granger (or Moe for short) and she was in the middle of a very important task.

"Night to H3"

"Oh no Ms. Moe you seemed to have lost, VICTORY IS MINE", the boy with messy black hair and spectical covered green eyes stated than lept to his feet and began to dance the tribal dance of yiddy giddy happy fun.

"hip hip hurarray, it's a wonderful day. Lets go skipping on this lovely Sunday, and no I is not gayyyyyy!"

"Oh good lord"

Yes, it was madness. They were all going insane, but that's what war does to you, it drives you to the brink. It makes you crazy, just like crazy Joe. One of these crazies was Ron Weasley, who was currently having a therapy session with a stone gargoyle.

"I've seen so much death, oh so much… It's hard to keep friends cause every time a reach out to a peer their dead the next day, not any of the important key characters of course just the random ones like Ravenclaw Third year number one and Hufflepuff chaser Three, but still it's hard…"

Then there was a huge explosion and a bolt of something, that looked a heck of a lot like lightening, hit the stone gargoyle, shattering it to pieces.

"NOOOOO… My brave and noble friend… How loyal you were to our cause… Your death was premature, but it wont be in vain. I, Ronald Weasley, will avenge your death, stone tower gargoyle Thirteen.

I said it once and I'll say it again, War makes you crazy.

Ron lay there, on the ground mourning his dear departed friend, crying like a small child after watching a psychotic ax murderer hack up their entire family, and than their puppy gets hit suddenly by a semi truck (like in Pet Semetary only that in the movie it was that creepy blond kid that probably created my phobia of small children). Harry and Moe approached their grieving friend quietly… not quite sure how to console him. Moe kneals down beside him.

"Oh Ron, my moronic red headed bestie, I am so apologetic for your loss, but this is war ol' buddy of mine, and sometimes, there are casualities"

"But Moe, he was so young, Stone tower Gargoyle thirteen had so much life ahead of him, it's not fair that that random bolt of lightening would strike down from that evil sky and crumble his life away like so much stone dust"

"Ron I know it was terrible, but we must keep going, Stone Tower Gargoyle thirteen would have wanted it that way… plus it's your turn to clean out the port-a-lous and there very full and I really need to go so would you please stop blubbering like a fish in a river and go scoop the poop"

"but I'm in mourning…make Ginny do it"

"I can't she ran off with Draco the ferret boy… by the way we've really gotta come up with a better insult for him cuz we're really stretching the ferret thing thin… maybe pale and sickly boy, although he isn't really sickly actually he's kind of buff. I just realized that if Draco wasn't such a racist asshat than I'd totally shag him like no one has ever shagged anyone before… maybe Ginny and him are up for a threesome, yay I just found a reason to not die in a horrific way"

"Wait what… Malfoy and my sister ran off, please tell me it was in fear, Harry mate, please tell me they just were afraid and ran away in the same direction but not togeth as Moe has implied"

Harry the asshat that wouldn't die because he keeps letting the stunt double do it for him, looked down at his poor poor pitiful friend.

"I'm afraid Ron that they've decided that they have a mutual attraction for one another and that they felt the need to copulate in a really violent manner…sorry pal"

"Oh god, Harry why didn't you stop it, she likes you mate, she likes you a lot, plus I have it on good athourity that you two are destined to get hitched"

"yeah I heard that to, but I also heard that like a shit ton of folks think that ginny is kind of a bitch slut, although I don't really know how they came up with that (maybe cause they mention her dating more than any other person in the book) and that I'm better suited with Hermione… or that I should die miserable and alone pining away after her after she marries you, except people don't really like you either, I heard that some people make you go all incestuous with ginny, but not in the desperate wishful thinking heroes Peter/Claire way, sometimes they make me and Draco gay for each other… I rather like that better than the dieing alone pining scenario… but any who… umm what was the original question."

"about ginny and draco"

"oh their probably screwing like desperate slutty bunnies in mating season"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

of in the distance you could almost hear the sexual aggression playing out some where far away where we really don't want to go cause than we'd have to put a power drill through our temples… yay.

Two minutes and 30 hours later a battle for the future of the wizarding world started, it was a battle to end battles (now where did I plagerize that from) a war to end wars. Wizards fought beside cellar dwellars. Cellar Dwellars fought beside giant squid, who in turn told a small fuzzy cellar dwellar that it would make a great pillow/beachball combo, and then the cellar dwellar ate the squid saying kalimari is very tasty. Then everyone realized that the evil was armed with apricots and marmalade…

The marmalade desamated the poor little fuzz balls with their vicious savage teeth… poor little killing machines.

many a good cellar dwellars were lost that day… but most of them fled in fright and are currently hiding in some distant dungeon waiting tilll they can return to their home land of bora bora.

The good guy's felt as though they were loosing, but than out of nowhere popped up Darcy whatsename the Mary-Sue I sort of forgot about.

She was holding out her perfect hands shaped like perfection, in a manner that commenly means "I come in peace"

"I have a way to stop the yellow hat"

The good guys paused in their battle to look at the vision of lovely perfection while listening to her perfect lovely voice.

"The yellow hat is my father, I was supposed to act as a spy, usinfg my perfect mary-sueness to mislead you all and lull you into a false sense of security while I plotted against you, but I don't want to be evil because I'm a mary sue not a mary jane. No matter what my father wants"

Harry stared at the lovely vision of awesome lovely vision-ness

"Wait your half yellow hat"

"yes.. but I mostly take after my mother she was a petticoat"

"umm okay that makes sense"

"oh yeah cause so much of this story make sense"

"well just saying… are you sure your not adopted"

"Quite sure… anyways as I was saying, I know the hats weakness"

"what is it"

"He can't stand repetitive songs"

"huh"

"it's the hats only weakness"

"repetitive songs"

"yes we all need to sing repetitive songs all at the same time… it'll strip him of his powers"

"umm okay, everybody start singing"

So the various members of the good guy army (that sort of sounds like gay propaganda or something) started singing, everything, the song that never ends, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmit, Henry the 8th, baby bumblebee, the song that get's on your nerves, kumbiya, ummm there are more but alas they are not know to me, only to the people singing them.

The hat stopped dead in it's tracks (do hats have tracks)

"NOOOOO! I can't stand repetitive singing… why would you betray me daughter"

"because I'm a mary sue not a mary jane and you insulted my mother"

"You may have ended me daughter, but I'll have the last laugh… you were adopted"

"what why didn't you ever tell me"

"well actually we always thought that it was quite obvious, and obviously hats and petticoats can't reproduce"

"who are my real parents"

"Some crack whore and this other guy… umm he was tall… and umm he has an eye patch… a pirate he was a pirate."

"DIE FAKE DADDY DIE"

The Mary Sue leapt out to battle royale with her fake hat daddy, the battle was fierce and weird looking. I mean it was this pretty girl and this really tacky yellow fedora fighting, it actually knid of looked like one of those side walk performers, or like micky mouse in that episode where his top hat wont cooperate while he's getting ready for his date with Minnie… or like what Johnny Depp does in Benny and Joon… umm my cat wont get off of my computer desk and I can't see the screen.

Umm okay I got him off using the power of my brain… and treats. Did you guys know that my cat wont eat fish… like of any kind, but he goes insain for potato chips and barbecue sauce… I think he's like a redneck that died and was reborn into the form of my cat.

The battle with the hat was long and taxing, but in the end the hat was destroyed in a ginormous and extremely cheesy CGIed effect that left the audience feeling cheated, should have spent less money on computer effects and more money on better casting and script writers. Although they had superb advertisers so the movie will make a boat load of money anyways. Plus they may get one of the Jonas brothers to play the minor role of bobo the dancing goat so that's even more money.

On a better note during the final battle Mary Sue had to sacrifice herself to save them all, we all know how much mary sues live to do the whole sacrificing bit, but in my story that means she has to die, now happy ending for her, she gets to die along with her fake daddy… booyah.

The battle ended on a happy note, evil vanquished, annoying Mary Sue dead, Ginny off slutting it up with pale and racist boy. (maybe we could call him baby Hitler from now on) Ginny off slutting it up with baby Hitler, and all well with the world

Except for the madness of war… madness. During the final blow out between the Yellow Hat and miss Mary Sue chick Moe Granger snapped. Her brain so over loaded with knowledge and possibly her eighty fifth repeat of "Crazy I was crazy once" was just to much for the bushy haired daughter of maniacal English dentists to take

She started having a scary golem/smeegal episode minus the absurd cute factor

"Die evil freak"

"you will crumble under my glorious power"

"Oh no it is the evil"

"You-underestimate-my-power"

"Die evil freak"

"I'm bad, bad to the bones"

"OH god the pain, the pain"

Harry, Peeves the Poltergeist and Ron (who was still crying over STGN13's "death") were staring at their previously sane friend Moe Granger. She was running around the battle field having a one person war with herself.

Harry stepped forward, cautiously tapping Moe on the shoulder, she surprisingly looked over to Harry.

"Harry, we got to get to the bomb shelter the… the… the… British are coming"

"Moe we are British"

"Oh no they got you too… back you evil Satan worshipper, back with your black magic and weird spell castings"

"Hermione the battle ended"

"Make a steak there's going to be a burning tonight… Witch, Witch…"

Moe ran of shouting like a ranting riot ridden villager as Harry looked on.

I said it twice I'll say it again, War makes you crazy.

"Harry… Alliance or Horde, define your loyalties nowwwww!

"Oh god they're all Cylon's, but it was so obviousssssssssssss!"

So all in all it was a pretty anti climatic ending… Or was it?. Yes… I think it was… Or do you? Yes I do now stop it, there is no foreboding whispers happening, no twists, no nothing that will promise a sequel.

This is the end… with the promise of a sequel.

NO, it's just the end… no sequel.

Fine… This is the end?

…

…

NOOOOO! There will be no question mark.

Yes this is the end

Or is it?

No this is the end.

…


End file.
